By Dan Kennedy
FLAVOR FLAV ROAST
Flavor Flav, you used to do rap music in a band called Public Enemy. And now you’re on reality TV shows looking for love and...there are… so many enemies? You’re making so many enemies? In public?
[Reviewing notes in panic]
Wait…I messed that up.
[Long pause. Some woman near camera with clipboard and walkie-talkie seems stressed out. I thought this was supposed to be a fun/funny show.]
Anyway, thanks for your music. I remember you rapped on an REM song. Did you rap on REM a long time ago or was it KRS One? Anyway, I liked REM back then. I guess I still like them. God, what am I saying!?
I’m so nervous right now.
Okay. Anyway, thanks for your music.
PAMELA ANDERSON ROAST
You, Pamela Anderson, are not exactly known for groundbreaking television. In fact…
[She makes a really exaggerated ‘sad puppy’ face like a little kid when they pout.]
Okay, you know what, I hate this. What you do is fine and basically...it's entertainment, you know? It’s entertainment; more power to you. I mean, what do I do?
What? Writing? Great.
You know what I mean?
[A production assistant throws his hands up in the air as if he’s exasperated. Hey, guess what? When I was twenty-two I worked as a production assistant, so trust me, I’m not impressed.]
JEFF FOXWORTHY ROAST
So, you do…you do the redneck jokes? Well…you’re a redneck!
[I start laughing pretty hard, but crowd isn’t. Jesus, what do they want? I refuse to personally attack the man with profanity or sexual slurs and insults. Woman with clipboard standing next to camera is clearly upset again. Who is she? Director? I wish they’d do a roast for her. I’ll try it again, kind of in the style Jeff Foxworthy does.]
[Making my voice really deep, which I think is his “thing”.]
If you wonder if you’re a redneck…You. Are. A redneck!
[I’m doing his exact catchphrase I think, but it’s not working here. Maybe worth one last shot – it might be tough to hear me; the sound here isn’t that great.]
Do you wonder if you’re a redneck? Well, you're a redneck!
[I walk offstage exactly the way he walks, crowd is still not picking up on it I guess.]
JERRY STILLER ROAST
Okaaaayyy…so...Jerry Stiller, huh?
Hey, I have a question for you: who writes your son’s movies?
I do screenwriting stuff. I do punch-ups and stuff.
[Someone yells cut as if it’s the end of the world.]
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