by Harris Bloom
Last Comic Standing, Indeed
Last month were auditions for the reality show Last Comic Standing, which brought back some memories from last year. Ironically, I didn't try out this year because I didn't think I was ready. Besides, last year's experience was enough to carry me over for a couple of years...
I wasn't sure if I even wanted to bother since, being an accountant, I calculated my odds of making it on the show at infinitesimal, and my odds of waiting on a line for twelve hours in the middle of winter and catching pneumonia at even money. But since I'm a gambler, an idiot and have a fully stocked medicine cabinet, I went anyway. Being an optimistic gambler (the worst kind), I wore a suit since I figured if I got there early enough, I'd wait on line a few hours, do my two minute audition and then head to work for the afternoon.
After waking at 4:30 AM, I got to the line outside Caroline's Comedy Club by 5:30 AM - It was dark and about 30 degrees. I saw a few buds at the beginning in their sleeping bags, having gotten there at 6:30 PM the previous night. Around the corner, a couple of hundred comics from the entrance I spotted a few regulars from the Monday New York Comedy Club open mic. They invited me to join them. "Cool," I thought, while laughing at those who had spent the night.
The first seven, maybe even eight hours were fun. Well, relatively fun, as I I'm not sure that I'd wanna do anything for eight hours in a row. People walking by asked what the line was for. Here were two of our reasons -
1. Menudo Reunion Tour - One guy was genuinely excited. "Wow. really?" I think he may've gotten on line.
2. We were waiting for the bar to open (and I asked someone if they had any whiskey on them).
Any time one of us made a joke that fell flat, one of us would say, "Man, you should TOTALLY open with that in there! That's Gold!"
Example: Someone mentioned the show was looking for controversy, so he may just go in and just start throwing around the N-Bomb in there. See sentence above for response.
Every five minutes, or so it seemed, we'd find ourselves staring at Larry King's frightening visage on a billboard (seriously, when looking north on Broadway, check it out on the left hand side - he looks like Skeletor, but less life-like) and doing lousy King impressions (in retrospect...they were hilarious then). Here some other things you would find yourself discussing when you have 12 hours on line to kill.....
"Would you be here if it was raining? How about snowing? If it were five degrees colder? Ten? Let's say it was ten degrees colder and there were flurries? What if it were five degrees warmer but it was raining locusts?"
"Look at that sign over there" (pointing at Charley O's) "It says, "Bar and Grill and Bar." (It did) "That's hilarious."
Someone else (doing Seinfeld impression) - "What's the deal with bars that have signs that say, 'Bar and Grill and Bar'" Are they afraid we missed it the first time?"
"Dude, you should TOTALLY open with that!"
At around 1-2 o'clock they told the last third of the line that they should go home as there was no chance they would be seen. While some did go home, others just cut the line. We let one guy in who we knew.
Long story short (I know...too late), the next three hours were fairly miserable. We would all push whenever the doors to opened, and when we finally got to the front of the line, we were so packed, someone mentioned that they should rename the show "Last Comic Spooning." Yes, I told him he should open with that.
Every time a comic came out who didn't make the callback, some of the comics on line serenaded him/her with, "Better luck next year," or "Hey, you gave it your all" or something like that.
Finally, my buds and I were at the entrance to The Promised Land. There were still at least a hundred behind us. They let a few more in....including most of "our gang," even the dude we let cut in. Nosed pressed against the door, I was going to be next. Then this short blond woman with a clipboard came out.
"I'm so sorry but we can't see any more people."
As the comics behind us started cursing at her, I just stood there, mouth agape. Seriously, what are you gonna do? (Well, some would say, "Curse.")
After listening to more curses, the woman said that they are having auditions in Miami next week and we should go there.
As I started walking home, I (finally) took off my tie and looked skyward for answers but all I saw was Larry King and his fucking evil face.
MORE STAND-UP ADVENTURES FROM HARRIS BLOOM
