Dan Kennedy Blog Thing: ReallySmallTalk.com

TREE: A TINY FILM BY JOHN GRADY

From the man who brought you "Jesus Saves" comes a post-holiday romp that's sure to be a fun ride for the whole family — so long as the whole family is sublime, tortured, genius, funny, mildy sad and oddly bemused.

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THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDY: Part 2

by Harris Bloom

There's a Reason They Call It Barking



Barking - The art of standing on a street corner and annoying pedestrians to see a particular show by lying to them about how great the show will be. This can be done for pay, or in my case, for stage time on said show.

There are a few ways for fledging comics to get stage time in New York on real shows...

1) Most clubs have "bringer shows," where you have to bring paying customers to the club (we'll get to bringer shows in another installment)

2) Work at a club by seating people, barbacking, or even cleaning toilets ("...You've seen our next comic in the men's room unclogging the john, give it up for...")

3) Date a pro comic, or:

4) Bark

Though I alternately hate/feel sorry for barkers, I decided to join their ranks as I'm running out of friends to bring, wouldn't even clean my own toilet and my girlfriend wouldn't let me date a comic (she's not very supportive).

If you're curious what I said to bark folks in, here's a condensed version (note: The club is next to New York University):

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU CAN USE A DRINK!! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!!

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

(What the heck am I doing here?)

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

ALSO GOT FOUR DOLLAR BEERS!! IF YOU'RE LIKE ME, YOU CAN GET DRUNK ON EIGHT BUCKS!!

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

(Wait, is that?...yup...rain...perfect)

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

(Aww shit, is that...)

"Hey, how's it going? Yeah, barking, I'm one of those. (awkward silence) Okay, see ya 'round. By the way, you wanna see a great show tonight? Oh, okay, yeah, see ya."

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

(I'm too old for this)

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

AWESOME COMEDY SHOW TONIGHT! DISCOUNT TICKETS! DISCOUNT DRINKS! FIVE DOLLAR MARTINIS!!

(Thanks Dave, it's great to be here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have a new movie coming out. It's about...)

After an hour and a half, I went into the club and waited for my turn onstage. There were eight people in the audience, which sucked but it could've been worse - if they don't get six, they cancel the show. Waiting my turn, I hung outside with the comics, who were all paired up in conversations, so I just stood in front of the club by myself. At about eleven, I was told that I was next.

I did my five minutes to the sound of silence, briefly interrupted by a chuckle or an occasional cough.

Exhausted, I slunk off stage and put on my jacket to leave. "I'm too old for this crap," I thought, and decided to tell the manager that I couldn't bark any more.

Before I could open my mouth, he enthusiastically said , "Great job up there."

"Thanks."

"Really, I'm not just saying that. Don't worry about the crowd. They've been dead all night. You just worry about writing and getting up. I think you got something."

Though I've already seen and heard enough in the business to question his motives, I could feel my face getting flush as I responded, "I really 'preciate that...Thanks! See ya next week!"

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RECENT INCIDENTS IN MY LOVE LIFE Version 2.1 #2: A VERY SPECIAL HOLIDAY STORY

by Lucy Baker

I’ve been dating this guy, let’s call him Edward, for a few weeks, but something’s not right. Actually, a lot of things aren’t right but they’re all so trivial. Can I really dump someone because their favorite author is Dan Brown? Because they listen to the Dave Matthews Band? Because they think Tom Cruise is misunderstood?

My gut reaction, of course, is yes. This is why my mother thinks I have commitment issues, and why I’ve never been with anyone for more than six months. My friend Lauren agrees with her assessment. “Just stick it out,” she tells me. “Try to build up some relationship antibodies. It will be good for you.”

So I do. Stick it out. I stick it out when Edward points to a painting of a happy face and declares it “moving.” I stick it out when he butters my bread for me in a restaurant. I stick it out when he sends me a "Have a Nice Day!" e-card first thing in the morning. But for some reason I keep thinking about these toy magnets I had as a child. When I played with them, my favorite thing to do was to try and push their backs together. I liked to see how close I could get them—almost touching—before they sprung apart, one magnet shooting off to the side, like it was jumping ship.

Finally, after a nice dinner and some wine, I agree to accompany Edward back to his apartment. We start kissing, and pretty soon I’m getting into it, and it isn’t so hard to ignore the fact that his black leather couch has foot rests (You know: pull the handle and a footrest pops out of the bottom!) or that his bedroom doesn’t have any windows.

And then, right before we’re about to have sex, he pulls back and whispers, “You don’t have any Secret Santas, do you?”

It takes me a full five seconds of staring up at him before I realize that “Secret Santas” is his own personal euphemism for STDs.

And that’s it. I just can’t do it.

Magnet overboard.

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THE ALL-NEW REALLYSMALLTALK CROSSWORD!

Just in time to print for the long holiday train ride or flight, it's the all new ReallySmallTalk Crossword! Simply click on the two images below to enlarge your viewable/printable clues and puzzle. Thanks to ReallySmallTalk site-building whiz Lim "Taco" Nyphuk, the puzzle can also be done online right on your computer using a grease pencil and Windex-soaked paper towels.

--D.K.

POP CULTURE HAIKUS

By Megan Gilbert

Pop Culture Haiku #1

My name is Jewel.
I used to live in a van.
Now all must suffer.

*Pop Culture Haiku #2

Nicole, Nik, Bre, Kim
Jayla, Lisa, Kyle: Which
is the skinniest?




*inspired by the UPN hit America's Next Top Model: Cycle 5.

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A CARTOON FROM MIA SKAILI

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TELEVISION RATINGS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

By Dan Kennedy

N – Nudity

L – Strong language

MAWSGGMTS – Middle-aged Wall Street go-getters making out and thinking they’re sexy

BGDSP – Bum getting drunk and stealing a car, using coarse language, laughing and simulating a sex act once surrounded by police

GISW – Girl inviting herself back to hotel then stealing wallet

LWS – Leaving Washington state, ashamed to face friends after being grifted in a Westin

SWSS – Sleeping at Westerberg’s and stealing something

TCSM – Things changing so much and not being able to put a finger on what the years are adding up to

BTM – Buying the myth

TGHA – Things going horribly awry

BFANCPF – Bum from act one having nude cameo, pretty funny

AHBL – All hell breaking loose

IACSNO – Idea of adulthood being challenged, suicide not an option

HBBF – Heart being briefly forsaken

LLICC – Lame little identity crisis continuing

HLICWH/NF – Havin lunch in the city with her and not having the nerve to start fling

RRBTSFH – Rock & Roll boots feeling too small for her

HFFA – Hopeful families fading and aging

WAOL – Waiting; all our lives, waiting

MAWSP – Meetings about writing screenplays

BHINLAFS – Bum in Los Angeles holding funny sign that says, “Why lie? I need money for pot and I’m too high to mug you.”

BBMP – Bum being maced by police

YAD/LT – Year of airport dining next to lonely travelers

TPWCI – Time passing by with cruel indifference

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THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT STAND-UP COMEDY

by Harris Bloom

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Ever thought you'd like to try performing stand-up comedy? Maybe you've had this fantasy version of trying stand up in your head: you try it once in some little dive packed with an appreciative audience well versed in twentieth century superstars as well as lesser known comedy greats. After the gig you all become great friends, trading favorite lines from Steve Martin albums and early Richard Prior routines, or volleying favorite Emo Philips bits. The next night you play your second gig in a 3,000 seat theater. Right, well, fantasies are dangerous that way. Welcome to the hard working, night-in-night-out realities of "trying standup" -- Harris Bloom will be checking in regularly as he works his way into the New York comedy scene with this new regular feature. Here is the first installment of "There's Nothing Funny About Stand-Up Comedy" by Harris Bloom. -- D.K.

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Open mic (n) - A live show where performers get 5-8 minutes to perform on stage, usually in front of an audience solely of other performers, who are there for their own 5-8 minutes of stage time. The audience remains largely silent because they are either worrying about their own set, busy writing new jokes or just don't want to encourage the person on stage in hopes that he/she quits.

Open mics are a comic's best friend and worst enemy. Okay, they aren't anyone's best friend; they can best be described as a necessary evil, especially for a "newbie" comic like myself (and one is a newbie in NY comedy for at least two years). Though I can't try out jokes to see if they are good, since laughs are few and far between, I can work on my timing and just try to get comfortable on stage (I have a fear of public speaking).

While open mics at comedy clubs usually have no "real" audience (i.e. non-comics), the ones at bars and/or restaurants do attract some curious patrons to watch. One of my favorite open mic experiences occurred a few months ago, downstairs, at a Mexican fast food joint called Maui Tacos.

The comics were thrilled that there was a table of six customers. Any open mic with civilians is a good open mic. The host, Tom, acknowledged them, asking each where they were from. No responses. They looked at each other, and then back to him. He tried again, this time slower.

"You guys aren't from around here, right?"

They nodded in various degrees.

"Good...we're getting somewhere." Tom looked at the table of comics seated in the back, for some sympathy, "So wheeeere aaaarrrrre yoooou froooom?"

With various accents came their replies...

"Hong Kong"

"Turkey"

"Tokyo"

"Ukraine"

"Honduras"

"Brazil"

"That's weird... how do you guys all know each other?" Tom asked.

They looked at each other but no one spoke.

"Umm, you guys didn't just randomly sit at the same table, did you? he joked.

Again, they just sat there, peered at each other, shrugged their shoulders and looked back at Tom.

"For Christ's sake...can ya meet me halfway here?" I laughed to myself, as Tom's frustration rose. He tried again. "Why are you here?"

The Brazilian spoke. "Eating."

"No, not here! I mean why are you sitting together!"

The Ukrainian spoke. "We eat."

"I know you're here to eat!" He said in mock anger, and then calmly added, "I'm asking, how you all know each other?"

"We have class next to this door," Turkey answered.

"Okay, now we're getting somewhere. What kind of class?"

"English," a few replied.

Tom looked at us, shrugged his shoulders and then proceeded to do his material to an audience of non-English speaking patrons.

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HOMELESS ANDROID NAMES

by Kim Bosch

Hobotron

Ragamuffin 3000

Bumbot

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AN EVEN BETTER IDEA FOR BUTTON SITUATION

In the newsletter that went out, I said we're too lazy to stuff a thousand envelopes. True, but not a fair excuse. Some of you can't make it to the show -- because you live, well, in any number of places besides the Tri-State area -- but are fans of the site and have been amazingly cool over the years. Please accept a collective "Duh!" from headquarters here and...

IF YOU'D LIKE FREE BUTTONS, JUST EMAIL YOUR MAILING ADDRESS TO: buttons@reallysmalltalk.com

This email address will remain active until Friday, December 22. We'll mail buttons out between 12/26 and 1/3. You'll get set of four -- one of each of the designs pictured below, while they last.

This offer's also open to our loyal readers in Canada, U.K., Japan, Australia, and beyond.

Thanks for coming around, for reading, and for the support over the last four years!

--DK

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